The Times, They Are A-Changin'

It's now commonplace to see children being entertained by technology on public transport. Gone are the days when a repeated game of the simplistic classic, "Peek-a-boo" would have been the only thing to keep the wee ones occupied; it now takes little less than a tablet computer, gaming system with cinematic surround-sound and a realistic holographic of their favourite "In the Night Garden" character. Fitting all this onto the rear end of a stroller is understandably problematic. But it does the job. You can see why there is an emerging generation of iParents (the 'i' here of course standing for 'i only had this child to become a priority on the social housing register'.

Which leads me to poor Brandon and Jade. Stuck on a peasant wagon early in the morning with me, a load of commuters, their child Thalia and the box containing two hamsters on Jade's lap for company, you can see why they were looking for a quick get-out.

Brandon: Look at them dogs there, Thalia. Ain't they nice an' fluffy?
Thalia: IPHONE!!!!
Brandon: I ain't got enough memory for all yer apps, babe.
[Richard: This child has her own apps? She's an entrepreneurial genius!]
Jade: She wants the phone, babe. Just give her the phone, yeah?
Brandon: I'm just sortin' it, yeah babe?
[Richard: How confusing, a family where all the members are called 'Babe'. However do they know who is calling who in their house? Are they  such big fans of the film that they changed all their names by deed poll?]
Thalia: IPHOOOONE!!!!
[Richard: Hmmm, I think Jade's maternal instinct is spot on here. Baby wants the phone.]
Brandon: Right, it's ready.
[Richard: Oh thank goodness. I had better shimmy back from the edge of my seat.]
Brandon: Right, do you want some music, babe?
Thalia: YEAH!
[Richard: Cultural enthusiasm as well as entrepreneurial spirit. This girl is going to go places.]
Brandon: What do you want then, babe?
Thalia: LA LA LA
[Richard: A classic]
Brandon: Sorry babe, I ain't got no la la la.
[Richard: Hang on; that's a double negative. If he ain't got no la la la, then that means he does actually have some la la la. Is he deceiving his own child with grammatical devices? The rascal!]
Brandon (to Jade): Babe, did you get them johnnies for later, yeah?
[Richard: In hindsight, I possibly gave him too much credit...]
 Brandon: Right then, babe, I've got all your favourites here, what'll it be?
[Richard: Bach? Handel? Rachmaninoff?]
Brandon: Drake? Tinie Tempah? Eminem? 2Pac?
Thalia: 2PAC!! 2PAC!! 2PAC!!
[Richard: Ah....]

Shush, Brain!

It's not just other people that say embarrassing things. I do it all the time. So it would be unfair of me not to share, wouldn't it? Because I need a bit of help, I often get assistance when I go on the train. They ask you a lot of questions and there isn't always time to think your answer through in your head before you say it aloud:

Doug: Are you okay departing the train, sir?
Richard: Oh yes. You just put me on and I can get myself  off.

Where's the mouth on this ground?

Words and Pictures

I'm often baffled by the number of people who hop on public transport, completely unaware of where they're going. Even I know most of the time, and I'm visually impaired. In the age we're living in, it's so easy to plan a route. With Google Street View, you can even see an actual image of where you need to go. So why do people have so many problems reading and paying attention?

Female Student: Excuse me, is this bus going to the uni?
Richard: Yes.
Female Student: Oh good, I  wasn't sure where it was going. Are you sure it's going to the uni?
Richard: Yes.
Female Student: How are you so sure?
Richard: Because when I got on, it said "University" on the front.
Female Student: Oh, so that means it's definitely going to the uni?

No. It's going to Hogwarts. But that's a surprise. Geez.

Day-o! Da-a-ay-o!

It's embarrassing when you say the wrong thing. It's even more embarrassing when you don't know you have done it. Angela went one better and denied all knowledge:

Angela: Yeah so she's so bloody lucky. They're going on holiday to the bananas.
Terry: Do you mean the Bahamas?
Angela: Well what did I say?
Terry: Bananas,
Angela: Terry, don't be so silly. That's ridiculous.

I'm guessing that happens to Terry a lot.

Juicy Gossip

Oh Tara and Marlon. I don't know you, but you gave me such a giggle. Both of this loved up couple were fairly young people and obviously not the sharpest tools in the box. But who cares when you can come up with comedy gold like this?:

Marlon: I reckon this smoothie would be more nice if it was more thicker.
Tara: It's not thick because it/s not a smoothie, Marlon.
Marlon: WHAT? Well what is it then?
Tara: It's just juice.
Marlon: Well how the hell was I supposed to know?!
Tara: Because you picked the bottle with "Just Juice" on it, didn't ya?!...Dick.

Bless x a million.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Okay so it's not Jerry Springer; it's actually the inferior Jeremy Kyle. And although it was actually a television programme, it was technically the conversation of other people. Plus, I make the rules of this blog and if you don't agree then I will do a DNA test on your children and partner and parade the results around in public for a baying chavtastic audience. Don't think I won't.

Jeremy had the very unusual and unique situation of a very unattractive man who, for some reason, was being fought over by a pair of permed walruses. There is a possibility they could have been women. Anyway, as usual it was all the other one's fault while the donwmarket lothario sat in the middle, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.But Old King Kyle wasn't having any of this. He drew the wheezing mammoths' attention to the object of their affection's deception by coming up with this classic:

OKK: Do you know what I think?
[Richard: Do we care?]
OKK: I think he's playing you both like a kipple of kippers!

I've never seen a kipple of kippers (assuming kipple is the collective noun), and I have certainly never played them. I wonder what sound they would make?

One Lump or Two?

There's just something so sweet about old people with mobile phones.And this is no exception. My bus nearly pulled out of the stop when a lady came running up to it with her arms laden with shopping bags. She managed to get on, flop down in a seat and get her phone out:

(The man at the other end of the phone answers)
Jean: Oh for God's sake, love, put the blinking kettle on. I'm gasping!...Yeah...Yeah... Well I won't be long, I've just got on the bus and I'm about five minutes away...Yeah...Yeah... and I've got you one of those cakes you like...Because I love you, you daft bugger!

I love Jean. A lot. Bless.