Shush, Brain!

It's not just other people that say embarrassing things. I do it all the time. So it would be unfair of me not to share, wouldn't it? Because I need a bit of help, I often get assistance when I go on the train. They ask you a lot of questions and there isn't always time to think your answer through in your head before you say it aloud:

Doug: Are you okay departing the train, sir?
Richard: Oh yes. You just put me on and I can get myself  off.

Where's the mouth on this ground?

Words and Pictures

I'm often baffled by the number of people who hop on public transport, completely unaware of where they're going. Even I know most of the time, and I'm visually impaired. In the age we're living in, it's so easy to plan a route. With Google Street View, you can even see an actual image of where you need to go. So why do people have so many problems reading and paying attention?

Female Student: Excuse me, is this bus going to the uni?
Richard: Yes.
Female Student: Oh good, I  wasn't sure where it was going. Are you sure it's going to the uni?
Richard: Yes.
Female Student: How are you so sure?
Richard: Because when I got on, it said "University" on the front.
Female Student: Oh, so that means it's definitely going to the uni?

No. It's going to Hogwarts. But that's a surprise. Geez.

Day-o! Da-a-ay-o!

It's embarrassing when you say the wrong thing. It's even more embarrassing when you don't know you have done it. Angela went one better and denied all knowledge:

Angela: Yeah so she's so bloody lucky. They're going on holiday to the bananas.
Terry: Do you mean the Bahamas?
Angela: Well what did I say?
Terry: Bananas,
Angela: Terry, don't be so silly. That's ridiculous.

I'm guessing that happens to Terry a lot.

Juicy Gossip

Oh Tara and Marlon. I don't know you, but you gave me such a giggle. Both of this loved up couple were fairly young people and obviously not the sharpest tools in the box. But who cares when you can come up with comedy gold like this?:

Marlon: I reckon this smoothie would be more nice if it was more thicker.
Tara: It's not thick because it/s not a smoothie, Marlon.
Marlon: WHAT? Well what is it then?
Tara: It's just juice.
Marlon: Well how the hell was I supposed to know?!
Tara: Because you picked the bottle with "Just Juice" on it, didn't ya?!...Dick.

Bless x a million.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Okay so it's not Jerry Springer; it's actually the inferior Jeremy Kyle. And although it was actually a television programme, it was technically the conversation of other people. Plus, I make the rules of this blog and if you don't agree then I will do a DNA test on your children and partner and parade the results around in public for a baying chavtastic audience. Don't think I won't.

Jeremy had the very unusual and unique situation of a very unattractive man who, for some reason, was being fought over by a pair of permed walruses. There is a possibility they could have been women. Anyway, as usual it was all the other one's fault while the donwmarket lothario sat in the middle, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.But Old King Kyle wasn't having any of this. He drew the wheezing mammoths' attention to the object of their affection's deception by coming up with this classic:

OKK: Do you know what I think?
[Richard: Do we care?]
OKK: I think he's playing you both like a kipple of kippers!

I've never seen a kipple of kippers (assuming kipple is the collective noun), and I have certainly never played them. I wonder what sound they would make?

One Lump or Two?

There's just something so sweet about old people with mobile phones.And this is no exception. My bus nearly pulled out of the stop when a lady came running up to it with her arms laden with shopping bags. She managed to get on, flop down in a seat and get her phone out:

(The man at the other end of the phone answers)
Jean: Oh for God's sake, love, put the blinking kettle on. I'm gasping!...Yeah...Yeah... Well I won't be long, I've just got on the bus and I'm about five minutes away...Yeah...Yeah... and I've got you one of those cakes you like...Because I love you, you daft bugger!

I love Jean. A lot. Bless.

Snip, Snip

Now I'll admit, I can be a bit bitchy sometimes. However, even I was a little taken aback at my reaction to a man talking to his little girl in my local barbershop:

Mick: Not long to wait now Sophie, daddy is next after that man in the chair.
Sophie: Daddy, I wanna wee wee.
Mick: (to barber) Do you have a toilet in here, mate?
Vidal: Nah mate, sorry.
Mick: Sorry lovely, can you wait?
Sophie: Nooooooo!
Mick: **trying distraction tactics** Oh come on now, are you going to watch the man give daddy a haircut? Make him look all sexy for mummy?
[Richard: It will really take a lot more than a haircut, mate...]

"Hi, yeah, I'd like to order one saucer of milk to go please? Okay thanks. Bye bye now!"

How Times Have Changed

I remember how excited I used to get on a weekly shopping trip if my parents decided to get a kitchen roll with a cartoon pattern on it. We didn't have a great deal of gadgets and gizmos to play with, but that didn't matter to us. Nowadays, children are often more technologically savvy than their parents from a very young age. The Internet has always been there, and it's quick and easy to get in touch with people. So you can understand their frustration when these facilities taken away from them. Jamie wasn't impressed with being on our CrossCountry Train. He's only about 8 years old:

Jaime: Dad?
Dad: Yes, Jamie.
Jamie: What's the Wi-Fi password for this train?
Dad: I don't know,son.
Jamie: Dad?
Dad: Yes, Jamie.
Jamie: Does this train even have Wi-Fi?
Dad: **checks phone** No, I don't think it does.
Jamie: Dad?
Dad: Yes, Jamie.
Jamie: You know next time we go on a train?
Dad: I do.
Jamie: Can we go on one that's not so shit please?

My first thought was that he was a bit ungrateful. I instantly forgave him when I realised he had said 'please'.

Child's Play

I'm not proud of this one. It's a well known fact among my family and friends that I'm not the biggest fan of very young children. I just they would hurry up and learn to speak  so they can tell us what's wrong! I especially don''t like it when I'm trying to read and all that's filling my brain is the sound of crying. So here's an extract from a visit to a coffee shop:

[Richard: This book is really good and I've got ages until I have to meet my friend. Oh yes. Hmm, what's that noise?]
Junior: **various gurgling sounds and the occasional drizzle**
[Richard: Awww]
Junior: **getting increasingly agitated**
[Richard: I'll just read that bit again...]
Junior: Waaaaaahhhhhh! Waaaaaaaaaahhhh!
[Richard: Ooh - someone's not happy. I'll just read that bit again.]
Junior: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
[Richard: I'm really not going to be able to read this bit, am I?]
Junior:WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
[Richard: OH, FOR THE SAKE OF GOODNESS, SOMEONE JUST SHOVE A TIT IN THAT INFANT'S MOUTH IMMEDIATELY!]

At times, patience is not my biggest virtue...

To Serve and Protect

You may be picking up a theme from these posts in that I often travel on public transport. To be honest, this blog probably wouldn't even exist without public transport. I think some sort of pamphlet should be distributed with new phones to remind people that just because they are on the phone, it doesn't mean that other people can't hear what you're saying. At least, Tina might learn something anyway:

Tina (shouting): YEAH, I KNOW. BASTARDS. WELL FOOK 'EM, THAT'S WHAT I SAY. FOOK 'EM RIGHT UP THE FOOKIN' ARSEHOLE. WHAT? NAH, I CAN'T COME DAHN TOMORRA. GOT STUFF TA DO AIN'T I? WELL THE SOCIAL HAVE BEEN ON AT ME ABOUT JOHNNIES AN COILS AN THAT 'COS OF ALL ME BABBIES...YEAH, I KNOW...TWATS...ANYWAYS, I'M GONNA GO HAVE ME IMPLANT FITTED TOMORROW...YEAH...I'M JUST HOPIN' IT DON'T SCRATCH ME FANNY, THAT'S ALL.
[Richard: ***....*** There are no words....]

Germaine Greer would be so proud.

ItalianOMG!

One thing I like about the coffee house culture which has emerged in recent years is the fact that people seem connected with each other and relaxed. They let their guard down. They share. And they forget they are in public...:

Signora 1: My and the hubby have just booked a holiday.
Signora 2: Oh great! You two deserve a break.
Signora 3: Yeah.
Signora 1: We're going to Tuscany.
Signora 2: It's beautiful. I went there a couple of years ago. It's so beautiful.
Signora 3: Yeah.
Signora 2: You'll both love it.
Signora 3: Yeah.
Signora 2: I love Italy. It's my favourite country.
Signora 1: I love it too. All the culture and the food and the scenery.
Signora 3: Yeah.
[Richard: I'm starting to think Signora 3 is a bit special at this point.]
Signora 1: Is that why you like it too?
Signora 2: No. It's the men. Phwoar - the men! I love a bit of Italian sausage.
[Richard: Thanks for sharing.]

Bump and Grind

I was on the train, as I often am, and a middle-aged couple were sitting across the aisle from me, chatting. I'm not sure whether or not we hit something, but there was an unusually large (yet satisfying) bump from the carriage which led to a bit too much public sharing from one half of the couple:

Stud: Well! That was nice, wasn't it?
Whore: Yes, it was kind of like last night.
*Assorted giggles from both*
Whore: Except, you know, this time...I came.
[Richard: Yep, that'll do it. Mind = blown.]

That'll Do Rice-ly

I love cooking. So when I hear people talking about food that they have eaten or made, it always males my ears prick up and listen. So imagine my confusion at this Ken Hom wannabe:

Ken: Yeah, so it goes lovely with a bit of rice. You want to be really careful how you cook the rice though; it probably needs to be a bit andante.
[Richard: Ah, so it's slow-cook rice]

Motherly Love

I was on the Tube one day when I saw a mother and daughter saying goodbye to another woman on the platform. This woman was probably in between in the ages of the mother and daughter. Almost as soon as the doors closed, they began discussing the third woman who, it transpired, was the daughter's new partner and they had all just been out for a meal together. This took place next:

Mother: Oh, she's really nice.
Daughter: I know, isn't she?
Mother: Completely. I think this one's a keeper.
[Richard: Awww. How sweet.]
Daughter: Hmmm, we aren't without our problems though. I think it's because of the age difference.
[Richard: Oh that's a shame]
Daughter: Maybe it's because she's a little older that explains why she's so demanding in bed.
[Richard: WHAT???!! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO YOUR MUM!]
Daughter: Ooh shall I book you in for a facial?
[Richard: I've heard of sharing but this is ridiculous! What type of family is this?]

After listening to them discuss times and dates for a few minutes, it suddenly dawned on me that the daughter had suddenly changed the subject to beauty treatments and was not, in fact, inviting her mother the to sample the wares of her new partner. I had to work extremely hard to suppress my laughter. What a thing to discuss with your mother on the Tube! Demanding sexual partners and facials: welcome to the 2010's, people.